Segway:
Disclaimer: I had/continue to have a privileged upbringing. My family is loving and supportive and I was/am a fortunate child.

I was born on a Friday, under the sign of the ram, when the Earth was in line with Neptune. Consequently, I was destined to have an existence plagued by boredom and locusts. I was a prisoner of the suburbs - Midwestern suburbs. The only fate worse is to be born in the South. (Just kidding, South! You’re terribly charming! Valiant effort in that Civil War!)

Even as a kid, I expressed desires to abandon the humdrum life I knew for something greater. I wanted to see beyond the endless rows of modest houses and explore the big cities and exotic countries miles away from home. I fantasized about world travel. I even slept in my closet and nicknamed it “Finland”. However, I was about 14 at that time and didn’t really know anything of Finland. I don’t really know what that says about me.

Of course there are many aspects of Macedonia, Ohio that I admittedly take for granted. Not everyone is lucky enough to know the natural beauty of ol’ Indian Creek. Folks used to reckon that if you followed its winding path, you would eventually reach the ancient Dairy Queen and the fabled Subway. And who could forget the historic summer of ’94 when a brand new Wal-Mart opened a mere 500 feet from the existing K-Mart? That was really something. But the best thing about this town would have to be that our old neighbors are now very wealthy and are the proud owners of two, yes two, Segways. And I got to take one for a spin.

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the Segway, seeing how it will revolutionize transportation and change the way cities are built, but I would like to take this opportunity to clear up some misconceptions you may have about the space-age scooter.
  1. It is spelled Segway, not Segue. Segue is French and we hate the French. (Freedom Fries, anyone? Would you like some God Bless America Onion Soup?)

  2. It takes time to learn the art of Segway-ing. It takes practice. The gyroscope can only do so much. You have to help.

  3. You should avoid falling off the Segway, lest you risk being run over by 80 pounds of futuristic transport.
Let me tell you non-Segway riding civilians, the future is now.

I dedicate this to the glorious Sandersons, without whom I would be unable to gloat about having ridden a Segway.